Grieving The Child You Thought You Would Have
The reason why I started this podcast is because I had such a radical transformation after grieving the child I thought I was going to have with my daughter Remy. I struggled and I felt alone. I didn’t know how I was going to be the kind of mother that Remy needed, and I didn’t understand why she had special needs. How could God do this to a child? Why did God choose me? What did I do to deserve this? I had ALL the feels. But I’m really happy and proud because I am in such a better place now. But it wasn’t always like that.
I Know What It’s Like
I’ll often meet moms who have received a diagnosis in the last month or two. I remember what it was like to be in that season and I hear your pain when you tell me how scared you are, you don’t want to tell anybody, you are scared you won’t be accepted and your child won’t be accepted, and how you are scared your child will neer talk. I hear all the fears and I KNOW what those fears feel like because I had all of them too. But I am in such a better place now because I’ve gone through the grieving process. Up, down, sideways, in and out of it, and it comes and goes. As time goes on, it gets easier and easier and easier. And I know that’s hard to imagine because it’s all consuming. It consumes your entire life and all of your energy and emotions. You just want to picture your child when they are older and you just want to know what life is going to be like, but all of that is just part of the process. The process of growth. When you are grieving, you don’t feel like you are growing. You feel like you are dying. Like you are being depleted. You don’t know what you are doing. You don’t know how to get support. I totally get it.
Our Different Stages of Life
So, I want to replay these episodes even though they are my very first ones. I just sat down and recorded my thoughts, stories, and challenges, and it was scary. Since then, I’ve met thousands of people who have shared their stories and I know now that I am not alone. That you aren’t alone. We are all in this together, we are just at different stages of life and of grief. Megan Carranza from Adventures in Autism Podcast said this, “We are all in the same storm, we are just in different boats.” When you are just starting out, you are in a raft with a hole in it. The longer you are on the journey, and the more you process and the lessons you learn, you graduate and one day you can be on that yacht. I promise you. But before you jump on the yacht, you have to figure out how to patch the holes in your raft.
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